Delray Beach’s Vinny on “Bachelor In Paradise”: Five dumb things from last night

vinnytoast

Oh, Lord.

That’s not blasphemy – I am genuinely seeking divine guidance and wisdom as to what the heck “Bachelor In Paradise” is supposed to be, other than a skanky 15-minutes-of-fame extension to a bunch of hot, half-naked people who claim to be “looking for love.” Here’s a clue, y’all – Love doesn’t require an ointment.

But these are lessons that Vinny Ventiera, Delray Beach’s barber/DJ and recent JoJo Fletcher reject, and his other “BiP” rosetestants are going to find out. (Wellington’s Ryan Beckett hasn’t shown up yet.) Vinny’s already found love or sumpthin’ with Izzy, a person I have never seen before but who claims to have been on “The Bachelor” at some point. Girl, if you say so. But their macking wasn’t the only thing that happened last night. It certainly wasn’t the stupidest:

  • Chad. I don’t know if he’s the world’s most foremost rageaholic or the world’s most prolific actor. But he’s one of the more interesting parts of the show, mostly because he actually has a personality. It’s an awful, pock-marked, meat-fueled personality. And it’s gotten him kicked off. Again. He hasn’t left yet, because ABC likes when people watch their programs and Dude is ratings gold.
  • Chad and Lace. Vinny points out that they seem like the kind of people who like choking each other out while they have sex. He ain’t wrong.
  • Jubilee. I was hoping she was too good for this show. It rankles me that she’s the only woman not mentioned when the guys rattle off their list of hot girls. She’s the hottest. And she’s too good for Jared, whose facial hair still seems scared of his face.
  • Daniel. Chad’s Canadian buddy is worse than Chad, because Chad appears to be in on the joke. When he called a group of ladies far hotter than him “street dogs” I nearly threw something at my TV. But then I’d have had to get up off the couch and I don’t hate anyone that much.
  • The twins. As a twin, the “one gets a rose, they both get a rose” twist is gross. But they’ve managed to parlay this act into another TV show and I’m sitting on the couch.